May Your Past Be The Sound Of Your Feet Upon The Ground (Carry On)
by unoriginalrhombus
Summary: "It isn't until Quinn is lying in a hotel bed—confused, but curious—with Santana's tongue brushing against a sensitive spot inside her, that Quinn realizes everyone forgot to sell her the most important part. Quinn had completely forgotten that before she could find love she'd have to find herself." Post 4x14.
1. Chapter 1

_**A/N:** Oh hey guys. There's this thing. I honestly have so many stories that I'm just trying to work them out right now. Please read and review. It's a little different from my other stories and I'm trying something new. It's not my main priority right now so it might not be as frequently updated as my other things._

_**A/N 2:** To those who do comment and who are invested in another story. If you comment on which story you would most like to see updated over the weekend out of the following three, I will then take the most popular vote and updated it this weekend. I have ideas but I'd like feedback about which one people would rather see updated first so that I can get to making that chapter all shiny and good._

_-If We Were Children_

_- A Fairytale Plot_

_-You Think You're Cooler Than Me_

_Anyway, sorry for the long authors note. Enjoy!_

* * *

**Chapter One**

Quinn remembers when she had first arrived at Yale.

She remembers stepping off the train and being amazed that she was in a city instead of in a town. She remembers how the air smelled better, the attractions seemed bigger, and the people seemed friendlier than anything else she had to compare it to. She remembers how the buildings seemed larger than life and New Haven seemed better than Lima. New Haven had been her escape and her future, it had been her foundation.

It's different now.

She doesn't know if it's watching Mr. Schue's love life fall apart or if it's seeing New York in a day, or even if it's her random rendezvous with Santana, but something about Yale feels different now. Something here feels off.

It's like she's looking at it with bigger eyes now, as if she got a taste of the real world and could finally acknowledge that Yale was nothing more than a stepping stone. Everything seems smaller, suffocating even. The people are too friendly and invasive, the buildings don't seem vast. Instead they tower over her. New Haven isn't what she wants anymore.

Maybe it wasn't what she wanted. Maybe Yale was just her escape ladder that lead her towards her better life.

It's not even her escape, not really, because she has no friends here and no motivation. She has nothing here but opportunities (and, yeah, that's great. But it's also lonely).

It's weird because she thought that Yale would be the puzzle piece that just _fit_ into her life. Quinn had figured that Yale would be the solution to her problems. But, as it turns out, Yale would only lead to being the cause of more questions with very few answers.

She feels duped, in a way, because she had been so easily sold on The American Dream. The dream where first you found college, then you found love, and then you found happiness. She had been fed this idea of a white picket fence and no problems, no sadness, and Quinn had taken it all so willingly.

It isn't until Quinn is lying in a hotel bed—confused, but curious—with Santana's tongue brushing against a sensitive spot inside her, that Quinn realizes everyone forgot to sell her the most important part. It isn't until she's weaving her hand into Santana's hair and arching her hips upward, her fingers grabbing dark curls in a death grip, that she realizes that she had forgotten something along the way.

Quinn had completely forgotten that before she could find love she'd have to find herself.

* * *

When Quinn gets back to Yale it's extremely clear how small the place has become. Not just the city, but the idea itself.

There is no freedom at Yale, and there wouldn't be any freedom as long as Quinn continued to pursue something that was more of an obligation than it was a desire.

It's a relief and a letdown at the same time, because it's nice that she's still learning and picking up these things as she goes along in life. But it's devastating that she still hasn't figured out the key to everything. It's worse that Quinn keeps making the wrong decisions, and completely baffling that she never has the urge to make the right ones.

In fact, her fingers itch to call Santana, just so she could demand a repeat performance of what happened at Mr. Schue's wedding. It's not a solution to anything. Hell, it doesn't even fix one of Quinn's many problems. However, it's there and it's a desire that Quinn isn't used to denying.

She honestly doesn't know what's happening anymore or what she did to make it start unraveling, but it took that night with Santana for Quinn to realize how unhappy she was. It took Santana finding Quinn's sweet spots for Quinn to realize that she's never had any time to find herself. In fact, Quinn isn't even sure who or what she is.

She's spent the majority of her life living for other people that it's incredibly hard for her to figure out how to live for herself. Maybe that's what college was supposed to be; maybe that's what Quinn was supposed to be doing this entire time.

Either way, Quinn knows in an instant that Yale isn't the place to figure out any of those things. Yale has always been a dream but it's barely been her home. She needed something substantial and real, something she could _taste_, and the only thing Quinn could taste here was loneliness. Obscurity. False Promises. Unsated Desire.

It becomes abundantly clear that Quinn needs to work on figuring out what to do next, and quickly.

* * *

Santana is great because she has very little expectations.

Other people would find that sad, but Quinn wasn't other people. She enjoys the fact that Santana doesn't ask her questions, that she doesn't demand answers.

They never speak about that night, _ever_. In fact, they both make a valiant effort _not_ to. They speak about everything else in the following weeks. Quinn's creepy English Professor, Santana's overtly sexual customers, Rachel and Kurt's tendency to sing what they're doing. It's nice and a little weird because it feels like a blooming friendship of sorts.

However, Santana doesn't question it.

Santana doesn't mention how they speak more now than they ever did in high school. Santana doesn't ask Quinn what's going on or why she's even pretending to be friendly, and Quinn thinks that maybe Santana got Quinn's message that night after all.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

Quinn often thinks that the real start of all of this comes from the simple fact that Quinn Fabray hates it when people second guess her (her authority, decisions, judgment, etc.).

It (her complex) started (like all flaws, faults, and insecurities do) when she was a child. It started when she was still Lucy, when it was more common for her to cry in shame than it was for her to make others do so.

It started with family dinners and quickly spread to different areas of her life.

Back then she had felt more comfort and camaraderie with food than she had people. Back then, dinner had been her favorite time of the day. Food had made her feel secure and it wasn't long until her family decided to take that away from her, too.

It began with her mother (like most things did). Quinn remembers it like it was yesterday. She was reaching for a second helping of green beans and mashed potatoes when she hears her mother's tut carry across the dinner table.

She closes her eyes now and can still hear her mother's grating voice almost perfectly.

_"Are you really sure that's what you should be eating, Quinnie?_

So Quinn had put the food down and decided it was best she just didn't eat at all.

Quickly it became an itch she could never scratch. Being second guessed was not what she wanted (it reminded her too much of Lucy) and it was definitely not what she needed. It soon became the type of thing that haunted her. She remembers almost every time like it was meant to be ingrained in her soul.

_Brittany: "Aren't we being bad? Are you sure we're not being bad or cheerio spies? The Glee kids are nice."_

_Puck: "Do you think you could really convince Finn that it's his?"_

_Sue: "Are you sure you have what it takes? From my personal experience, blondes usually don't. Well, except for my flawless skill set, most blondes are lazy and just lookers instead of doers."_

All of the doubts and second guesses bunch together until Quinn is one irate mess.

She's good at hiding it though because she's always been good at things like that. In fact, the thought of her complex handicapping her doesn't even cross her mind until it's years later. It's years later when Santana puts the final nail in the coffin that is Quinn's self-esteem. It's when Santana sits next to Quinn in the church pew (both dressed impeccably for a wedding that could or could not happen) and asks: _"Was Yale even a good idea?"_

Quinn isn't certain how she forms the idea on how to best retaliate (even though Santana's words weren't an attack, they certainly felt like one), she just know that she comes to a conclusion and decides to run with it. She knows that she's like a heat missile when seeking out others weaknesses. She knows that her first instinct is to trample all over Santana's words and take away any doubts that Santana has in Quinn's judgment. Quinn knows that the idea comes from Quinn's nature to take someone else's weakness and use it to her advantage.

So Quinn decides to show Santana (in the only way she thinks she can) that Yale is a _great_ idea by exploiting Santana's weaknesses (Santana doesn't have many weaknesses, but she's always been a sucker for a pretty girl in a dress). Quinn wants to show Santana that it's changed her and opened her mind and given her chances and created new possibilities-ones she never would have had in Lima. Quinn wants to show Santana that the old Quinn wasn't capable of things like this, that it's Yale that's made her _capable._

The Quinn Fabray from Lima never would have flirted with Santana so shamelessly in public. (Would Quinn have thought about it as a means to get something she wanted? Yes. But would she have acted on it? No.) The Quinn Fabray from New Haven however? Well, that Quinn was full of all kinds of surprises.

A part of Quinn doesn't know if it's about proving something to Santana or proving something to herself. Either way, she goes through with it. Quinn wasn't the type of girl who only went ninety, she was the type of girl who went the full hundred.

Santana sends Quinn tumbling down from her high horse hours later (reminding Quinn that she's never as far away from Lucy as she likes to pretend to be) when Quinn is pressing Santana against the hotel door, her lips inches away from Santana's.

_"Are you sure about this, Q?"_

Quinn closes the gap between them and tells Santana not to second guess her. It's the easy way of getting Santana to shut up and the simplest way of quieting Lucy. (It's not until hours later that Quinn thinks she might have bitten off more than she can chew. She wasn't comfortable here, just curious and confused, and Quinn Fabray never thrived in those types of circumstances.)

_____Perhaps, _Quinn thinks later, when she's remembering how her eyes had raked over Santana's naked form so easily___. __She had never truly learned what thriving looked like._


	3. Chapter 3

_A/N: I know that I said I'd update We're Not Broken, Just Bent, but my computer decided to suck and delete EVERYTHING. So, in my frustration, I re-wrote this. This story probably seems a bit odd and short to some. I want it to be awkwardly paced and weirdly written, because it's just this weird little thing I created in my head. Anyway, please read and review and let me know if you like the weirdness like I do!_

_Dedication: This is for Bobina, for completely getting where I'm coming from and for leaving a beautiful review. It's also for Boringsiot because you make me laugh and I appreciate you. Carry on!_

* * *

**Chapter Three**

In the middle of April the strangest thing happens.

They've been carrying on this _thing_ (this illusion, this parley, this false friendship) for weeks now and it's different, but not in a bad way.

They've had weeks of daily conversation, teasing phrases, and constant communication and it's enough for Quinn to feel like she's building a routine. Quinn likes it, but only in the way that means she doesn't.

Anyway, in the middle of April they go a day without talking for the first time since their rendezvous back home and it makes Quinn feel _weird_. They don't speak because Santana is stuck working doubles at night and spending her days at ballet practice. And Quinn is too preoccupied with her finals to really notice anything else.

It takes Quinn the full day to realize that her phone has been oddly silent. Normally, she would be grateful, because she wasn't the type of girl to enjoy mindless chatter now that High School was behind her. This day, though, Quinn is anxious. Her hands itch to communicate something and her heart feels constrained and all Quinn can do is add it all up together in confusion.

She doesn't know what it equals or what it all spells, she only knows that she's waiting for _something_ from Santana and Quinn's never been the type of girl who's ever waited for anything.

It's in this moment that she first notices that something is changing-or God forbid, has already changed.

Quinn can't quite put her feeling on it _exactly_ but she thinks that this is what longing feels like, if she was ever the type to identify with something like that.

It hits Quinn then—the strange thing—because for a moment, Quinn feels like she misses Santana. It's ridiculous and codependent and _needy_, especially after only a day, but it's there nonetheless.

Quinn misses Santana like adults miss their teen years: fondly, and with a hint of nostalgia.

It's strange because Quinn can't remember the last time she ever missed anything, let alone the last time she actually missed a real human being.

It's scary, because even though she doesn't know what it means or what it's adding up to, she still finds her hands grabbing her cell phone and flipping it open to read the last few messages that Santana had sent her before this day of silence.

Quinn caves before she even realizes she's doing it.

_Clear your schedule for next weekend. I'm coming to see you. –Q_

She's nervous in a way that could only be comical.

The nerves fade quickly, however, when her phone buzzes quickly with a response.

_Why? Missing me already, Q? ;) -Snix_

Affection makes the heart grow weary and judgments grow thin. Affection is a haze that nobody can see clearly out of and it's unfortunate that Quinn is experiencing it now.

It's only unfortunate because it could lead to something _fortunate_ and Quinn doesn't think she could handle it if it did.

Still. She carries on anyway.

_Yes. -Q_


End file.
